We’re approaching Christmas and every year, now that we’re adults, my Mom sends out a text to my sisters, our husbands, and me that says, “Send me your Christmas lists!”
We just got our annual text about three weeks ago - when my laptop said goodbye.
But when we were younger, my parents used to pack my three sisters and me up in matching dresses, drive the two hours to Portland, and then pile us all on the MAX train bound for Meier & Frank in the heart of the city to visit Santa in Santaland.
When we got there, we would enter the decked-out hall and find our place in line before riding the kid-sized monorail train that hung from the ceiling. Then, when we finally made our way up to Santa, each of my sisters and I would take our turns sitting on his lap and telling him what we wanted for Christmas.
He had a real beard and everything, which is why it took me years and a lot of Christmas Eves of trying to stay up as late as I could before I realized “Santa” was in cahoots with my parents, telling them after I was out of earshot what I wished for. Because most every year, what I wished for was waiting for me on Christmas morning.
But there was one wish that went unanswered between the ages of seven and 10.
On Christmas Eve, I would look up at the stars thinking about Santa’s Sleigh and all the reindeer that would soon be there, and hope and pray that somehow, someway I’d wake up the next morning to a yellow puppy sleeping at the foot of my twin bed.
I’d fall asleep dreaming about that yellow puppy. His kind eyes, gentle manner, calm presence, the way he listened and could understand everything I would tell him even though he couldn’t say anything back. The way we would do everything and anything together. Adventure. Play. Him always by my side.
There’s a question that one of my favorite Peloton Instructors, Robin Arzón always asks in her rides: Remember when you used to wish for what you have now?
I took a ride with her on Tuesday after my eulogy for my laptop published when she asked it again. I’ve found that question to be the fastest, most direct route to reach a state of complete and utter gratitude. The next song that played was “I Lived” by OneRepublic and I felt tears well up in my eyes and mix with my sweat as I was pedaling because I used to listen to that song like a prayer when I first got my laptop; back when I used to wish for what I have now.
So when my Mom sends her follow-up text saying, “Santa needs to know!” I want to reply by saying, “I have everything I could ever wish for and more.” Because one evening, at 29 years old, I was sitting outside on the back patio of my very own home that I share with the love of my life, in Montana - a place I said I wanted to live in “when I grow up” in one of my childhood journals, looking up at the stars with the yellow puppy I used to dream about.
Beautifully written and thought provoking! I have found circumstances I have prayed for that came to fruition. Sorry the puppy did not come at Christmas time when you were young!
THIS. Incredible timing too. I recently found a bucketlist I wrote in highschool and realized that (without even intending to) I've knocked half of the list out in the last 15 years. My dreams have changed and evolved but when I look at my dogs and my life in the mountains I can't help but agree with you 💛.
Oh. My. Goodness. YES. How beautiful that you've honored your younger self all these years without even realizing it. And there's something about the dogs and the mountains that spark an extra pinch of gratitude ✨
Beautifully written and thought provoking! I have found circumstances I have prayed for that came to fruition. Sorry the puppy did not come at Christmas time when you were young!
Thank you Mom ❤️ And my adult-self knows you had too much on your plate for a puppy. Buddy was meant to come to me when he was meant to come to me ❤️
THIS. Incredible timing too. I recently found a bucketlist I wrote in highschool and realized that (without even intending to) I've knocked half of the list out in the last 15 years. My dreams have changed and evolved but when I look at my dogs and my life in the mountains I can't help but agree with you 💛.
Oh. My. Goodness. YES. How beautiful that you've honored your younger self all these years without even realizing it. And there's something about the dogs and the mountains that spark an extra pinch of gratitude ✨